Back in 2011, I wrote a post, De Agony of De Feet, complaining about not being able to wear
beautiful high-heeled shoes, or shoes with even slightly pointed toes, or basically any even slightly attractive shoes at all.
Yes, I hate that I can't just go to a regular shoe shop and pick any shoe that I like. When I go to the chemist and shop for shoes in the Homey Ped section, and then have to buy D or D+ (when even their attractive shoes are never any wider than C), I find myself thinking that I got to be an old woman far too young.
But there's more to the shoe issue than feet and shoes.
There's a thing ministers encounter in pastoral care. People talk for a while, but just as they're leaving say "by the way..." and then the real issue that's bothering them comes out. It's a common thing, it even has a name in pastoral care textbooks, but I can't tell you what it is because my lupus-addled brain doesn't retain that kind of information any more.
If you'd like to go and read the original post, I'm happy to wait here.....
OK then, well, by the way...
Yes, I do miss beautiful shoes, but there's more to it than that. Lupus has messed with just about every part of my life.
I don't just miss shoes.
I miss my profession. I miss feeling like a useful, contributing, member of society. I miss paying taxes to support other people's pensions.
I miss only visiting the doctor once in a while.
I miss being able to go out without spending a week recovering.
I miss going out without carrying a pile of tablets, just in case I'm out longer than expected.
I miss just walking instead of having a limp which reduces to a hobble after the first five minutes of walking.
I miss my sport (I did martial arts).
I miss having a body that just did things, and wasn't bloated up on steroids.
I miss my memory. I miss knowing what day of the week it is, where my keys are, the name of the person I'm talking to, and what we were talking about.
I miss being able to plan things, and then do them. (Rather than discovering at the last minute that I'm too sick.)
I miss being able to drive a manual car, that didn't have power steering.
I miss being able to use the stairs.
I miss so much that lupus has taken away from me, including the shoes.