Tuesday, 28 July 2020

Time for a Temper Tantrum

I've had issues with cognitive dysfunction for years.  I've had brain scans and other tests, and the only thing of any real note was some vascular changes, which were put down to "normal lupus."

For a couple of years, my GP had me going for regular check-ups with a gerontologist/neurologist, who would monitor my cognitive function.  It was only ever a little bit off, and wasn't getting any worse, so when I forgot to make the next appointment, my GP and I both just shrugged it off and said it probably wasn't worth going back anyway.

A couple of weeks ago, I needed to see my GP for new prescriptions, and found that my GP had left the practice, and I had to see a new doctor. It was the typical lupie first appointment with a new GP, she looked at my record on the computer and said I was down for a lot of medications, some of those must be old things I wasn't taking anymore. I gave her my list of medications (and what they're all for), and yes, I'm still on all those meds.

Fast forward to this week.

Someone mentioned an incident to me, that was the kind of thing no sane person could possibly forget.  It was something huge. I had absolutely no recollection of it whatsoever.

I freaked out.  If I have forgotten that, what else could I have forgotten? How much of my memory have I actually lost?

I set up a phone appointment with the new GP, for this Friday. (It's the earliest appointment I could get.)  I was planning to ask for a referral to a neurologist.

Then yesterday, I started shaking uncontrollably.  It started about midday, and continued until I went to bed.  Weird, I thought, but it was a very cold day, and even though I had a jacket on, the air-conditioner set to heat and a blanket wrapped around me, it sort of still made sense.

Today is not so cold.  Today around midday, I've started shivering uncontrollably.  If I hold my teeth shut tight together so they don't chatter, my whole head shakes wildly.  The only time anything like this has happened to me in the past, I had a raging fever.  I don't have a fever now.

I still have an appointment for the doctor on Friday.  I should just add this weird new symptom to my list of things to talk about with her.

But, and it's a big but:  I'm not just looking at this weird new symptom as some kind of curiosity.  Combined with the big, big issue of what I've forgotten, I'm actually scared.

What I really, really want to do, is lay on the floor and kick and scream and yell, that I don't want the new doctor! I want my doctor! The one I've been seeing for years.

Unfortunately, that kind of behaviour is frowned upon in people over the age of two.

So I'm going to do what I have to do.  Deal with it.  I'm going to talk as calmly as I can with the new doctor and hope she knows what to do about all of this. If all else fails, I'll try to get an extra appointment with my rheumatologist. In the meantime, I'm going to try to keep busy and avoid thinking about what I don't know or don't remember.

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