Monday, 26 December 2016

Boxing Day Blues
Lupie wakes to find gut is alternately adding logs to a fire in her oesophagus, and inflating her abdomen with bike tyre pump.

Lupie: Why the heartburn? And why does it feel like there's a pile of rocks in my stomach?

Gut: Someone forgot to take domperidone yesterday before eating.  Stomach didn't empty properly, and everything built up to cause a great case of heartburn.

Lupie: So why's my abdomen full of air?

Gut: Don't play dumb.  You know what you drank yesterday.

Lupie: I had two glasses of wine.  It was low alcohol wine.

Gut: It was sparkling wine.  Full of fizzy gas.  Just like all the soft drink you put away.  Where do you think the gas is going to go?

Lupie: Maybe I expected to burp, or pass gas in the other way normal people do.

Gut laughs maniacally.

Lupie: Maybe "expect" is too strong a word.  I hoped.

Gut: And you ate things you shouldn't.

Lupie:  I avoided anything with lactose and gluten.  I was very careful.

Gut: What did you notice about nuts.

Lupie: I'm not allergic to nuts.

Gut: Go on...

Lupie: But I did notice a strange feeling in my mouth when I ate walnuts, that I've never noticed before.

Gut:  Aha! Do you know what that means?

Lupie:  No.

Gut: You'll find out later today, you'll probably manage to get rid of all the gas then, too.

Lupie: Brain, where were you while this was happening?

Brain: Well, I always thought Sarah was Mr Percolate's bodyguard.

Lupie: Brain, you're still dreaming. Wake up.

Brain: Huh?

Lupie: What were you up to yesterday?

Brain: Yesterday? What did we do yesterday? I'm a bit foggy. Let me think. Umm.

Lupie: Well that explains that. I'd better at least take some domperidone now so I can have breakfast.

Feet: Don't you even think about standing.. ouch! ouch! ouch! Owwwwww for the love of God, we're too swollen to walk on!  Sit down, sit, sit sit!!!

Hips: Do not sit down. Do not under any circumstances do anything.

Knees: Don't make us bend, just don't, we can't. Stop it.

Brain: Who's in favour of going back to sleep.

Gut: Not me, I've got plans for today, big plans.

Eyes: We'd be crying now, but we're so dry the tears would burn.

Lupie: So I didn't really do too badly yesterday.  It feel like just another ordinary day today. Coffee to wake up brain, some medication to calm everyone else down, and there's nothing I can't deal with.

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