Side Effects

I went to the doctor today with my shopping list of prescriptions I need renewed.  I found myself thinking that what's wrong my my medications is that I have the ones with the wrong side effects.

I have drugs that come with side-effect warnings like:

• avoid sun exposure while taking this medication
• don't eat grapefruit or take vitamin C supplements while taking this medication
• this medication can increase weight
• this medication will deplete vitamin D in your body, but you can't go out in the sun because you're taking another medication that will interact badly with sunlight, besides which you have lupus and can't go out in sunlight anyway
• this medication will deplete your folate so your body can't absorb iron. Take folate supplements
• this medication will give you nausea
• this medication may cause kidney failure - but you have lupus and that could cause kidney failure anyway, so what are you worried about?
• this medication will raise your blood pressure
• this medication will increase your fatigue, but you've got lupus, you're used to fatigue
• this medication will make you retain so much fluid it gives you headaches, and make your feet too swollen to walk on

The drugs I really want are ones that come with side-effect warnings like this:

• this medication will improve memory, concentration and problem solving
• this medication will make you maintain your perfect healthy weight
• this medication will give you perfect skin and hair and generally make you more attractive
• this medication will help you sleep well at night, but keep you bright and alert at daytime when you actually want to be awake
• this medication will improve your vision, your hearing, and your balance

My big problem is that either the drugs I want haven't been invented yet, or they haven't been approved on the PBS.