Monday, 15 September 2014

Oops!

I had my soft drink all over the table, the chair, the floor, and myself.

My son asked what on earth I was trying to do.

"I was just putting the cup down on the table," I said.

So what happened?

Well, I think what happened was that the cup leaped out of my hand, did a quadruple somersault with a fancy twist at the end, and pirouetted to a stop, upright but empty, on the table. In the process, it managed to disgorge its contents, which clearly increased in volume from 300ml to 3 litres while flying through the air in all directions.

Why did this happen? Because I have lupus.

Cups, like many other inanimate objects, have an intense dislike of anyone with lupus.

A non-lupie can put a cup on the table, and the cup will simply sit quietly and compliantly where it was placed. It will feel no need to engage in any feats of acrobatics.

However, when a lupie puts a cup on the table, the cup and the table both conspire to do whatever they can to make the lupie's life miserable.

This terrible behaviour is not limited to cups and tables. No. Almost all inanimate objects have a grudge against people with lupus.

Bottle lids will refuse to come off for us.  (Pill bottles are the absolute worst.  No pill bottle ever opened easily for a lupie.)

Doorways, on seeing a lupie approach, will suddenly move 30cm to the left, or the right, whatever they think is the opposite of what the lupie is expecting.  I have lost track of the number of times I have walked into walls or doorjambs because the doorway has suddenly jumped aside as I was about to go through it.

Even the ground is unstable for us.

The other day I went to put some new herb plants in the garden. I put on my gum boots and gardening gloves.  I should have invested in heavy duty overalls. Some very localised earthquakes (which affected no-one in the world but me) caused me to fall into the garden bed three times.  I was covered in dirt everywhere except my hands and feet. (Those gardening gloves and boots were a good investment.) And I had a whole new set of bumps and bruises.

I can't tell you what it is about lupies that inanimate objects find so objectionable that they must attack us at all times. I wish I knew, because then perhaps there would be a way to find grounds for a truce. What I can tell you is there are a lot of inanimate objects in the world - which makes the world a very dangerous place for people like me.

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