Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Guilt

Image Mr Bumpy Cat drinking out of the sink.  Text: I see the things I need to do, dishes to was, floors to sweep, clothes to wash, dinner to cook, shower to clean, plants to water. I see it and I feel guilty because my body just won't let me do it.One of the frustrations of my life, and I'm sure it is for lots of other lupies as well, is all the things I
don't get done.

My ex-husband used to call me lazy.  I hadn't been diagnosed then, but I would just get exhausted so fast, that I never could keep up with the housework.

I would start on the housework, but I would not be able to keep going.

Even now I know what my problem is, and I don't have an accusing husband any more, I still feel guilty about the things I don't get done.

You see, I don't need the accusing husband.  I'm quite capable of pointing out to myself all the things I haven't done.  I'm quite capable of making myself feel guilty for lying on the couch with my computer instead of doing something about the multiple layers of soap and grime building up in the shower, or the new form of life that's breeding in the back of the refrigerator.

I'm quite aware of the need to change the cat's litter tray and to vacuum the carpet. And I know those last couple of bags from our move in January are not going to unpack themselves, and that I'm going to run out of clothes if I don't wash soon.

And I sit (or lie) here, feeling guilty, because I know it all needs to be done.  But I'm so exhausted, I just can't do any of it.

5 comments:

  1. Guilt is my greatest enemy with chronic illness. I had a reader respond to my post on guilt this morning. She reminded me how I shouldn't feel guilty, because I was helping others with my blog. You are making so many aware of Lupus and it's awful consequences. This is a great thing you're doing, and I appreciate you resting on the couch writing the articles that you do. Thanks :)

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  2. I hear you about the guilt! I used to be such a neat freak and took pride in my house being just so. But I just can't do it.

    I cope by saying unless it's a harm to humans or animals, it's ok (as in who cares if the laundry is really folded, but there better not be mold and mice on the kitchen counters).

    Thankfully my family is accommodating. My kids pitch in when I ask (and sometimes even when I don't). My husband cooks every day and doesn't care if I clean or not (he's not one to clean, and doesn't care one bit if things are messy, but will clean up if I ask).

    We have enough to manage, we don't need to pile the guilt on too.

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    Replies
    1. I think I've revised my definition of "clean" to a point where it just means "safe to live in." Even then I cut it pretty close at times.

      So glad you have help.

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  3. It's so easy to see all of the things that aren't getting done, but try to focus occasionally on the things that you *do* get done. At the end of each day, think about what you accomplished. Maybe you managed to shower. Maybe you cooked dinner. Maybe you pet your cat to make him/her feel loved. Maybe you spoke to a friend on the phone and helped them through a difficult time. I understand the guilt of the things that don't get done - I have plenty of that myself. But there's plenty that you do, so try to focus on that at least from time to time.

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