Monday, 27 May 2013

Fatigue and Depression

I don't know if it happens for other lupies the same way, but for me, fatigue and depression often go hand in hand.

Last week, getting everything ready for my daughter's wedding on Saturday, I was so hyped up, had so much to do, that although I knew what the consequences would be, I kept pushing myself.

The thing with having limited energy is that it is sometimes possible to put a little bit on the "credit card", to spend energy I really don't have.  But eventually the bill comes due. Yesterday, I had no energy at all, and today, if anything, is worse.

Today, I'm like a limp rag.  And I'm crying at the stupidest things.

I've just seen myself in the wedding pictures - and I look fat.  I know that.  That's why I'm weaning off steroids. Not only that, but the dress I'd bought for the wedding was too small when I went to put it on, and I'd had to dig through the wardrobe for a second choice, which was also too small, so I'd worn my third choice.   So in the photo, I was fat, and not in the beautiful new dress I'd bought, and was also in the same picture as my ex-husband.

On the day, none of this had mattered.  All that mattered was that my daughter looked beautiful and was happy and enjoying her day. Everything was perfect for her, and that's all I wanted.

Today I'm feeling sorry for myself.  And I know logically it's pointless to do so.  I am addressing my weight issue, that's why I'm taking the pain that comes with weaning off prednisone.

Of course my ex-husband was in the same photo as me, it was the bride's family photo.

No-one happened to take any photos of me without him, because I couldn't avoid him.  He stayed right beside me virtually all the time, joined in every conversation I had with anyone, and generally made it look like we were together.  People who didn't already know either of us, assumed we were still married. Fortunately the groom's grandmother (who did know) took pity on me and stayed with me as well, probably to stop me from killing someone.

On the day, I put up with it. It was my baby's wedding, and she was beautiful and happy and that was all that mattered to me.

Today, I'm in tears, remembering my own marriage which had no space for me to be me, but every conversation had to involve my ex-husband, every move I made was shadowed by him, every telephone call, every email, every letter all had to go through him.

When I've slept enough for my fatigue levels to go back to "normal", I will be fine.  Until then, I guess I can expect to be teary over things that were fixed years ago, and things that I'm well on the way to fixing: things that are nothing to cry over because they're already resolved.

2 comments:

  1. Ah! I so feel your pain! Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lot of work and emotions last days : get well soon ! <3

    ReplyDelete

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