|Before I cried off the mascara!|
Firstly, I left the chorus out of the first hymn when I did the powerpoint for it - or at least left out some choruses, meaning everyone was struggling to try to fit the verse words into the chorus music.
Then, I realised part-way through the sermon, that I'd apparently left out several paragraphs I thought I'd written - there was a sudden jump so that it made no sense whatsoever, and I couldn't remember what I'd intended to say.
Then, I missed the communion hymn.
By the time we actually got to communion, I was so upset with all the mistakes I'd made, that I couldn't stop myself crying (absolutely, just what you need is the minister sniffing and having mascara run everywhere during the communion). And I read the narrative of institution (that story about the last supper, when communion was started) twice.
All of this means, I was suffering from a big brain fog problem, not only today, but also when I prepared the service.
I'm on a waiting list for the neurology department at the Royal Brisbane Hospital. I don't know how long that waiting list is, or what they can do for me when I do get my appointment. In the meantime, my memory and my thought processes just seem to be getting less and less reliable. At the same time, my headaches are becoming more frequent and more intense.
For me, I think the brain fog is the worst part of lupus. Pain, I can take. Fatigue, I can just sleep through. But not being able to rely on my own mind - that is frightening.