Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Being Miss Havisham

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I've come to a conclusion that really surprised me....

For ages now, I've been thinking that the reason I don't put my profile on a dating site, and start dating again, was because I was still feeling so sick.

But I'm feeling much better since starting on sulfasalazine. Someone has asked me out, and I guess he's nice enough, but I'm just not interested.

This is it - pretty much every issue in my life I'm used to blaming on lupus. I'm too tired, I feel too sick.

Right now I feel fine, physically. I'm as well as I ever feel.

But I'm still not back on track with my diet. And I'm still not doing anything about starting a new relationship. Why? I'm still stuck wanting to be with someone I clearly can't be with.

What am I going to do about that? That's what you really want to know, isn't it?  I guess now that I realise that I'm still in grief, I will do what it takes to deal with grief.  I'll accept it, wait for the worst to pass, and see what my life looks like then. There's no way to avoid grief or speed it up or just get over it.  It's something that just has to be lived through.  The good thing is it is survivable, and while every loss in life leaves a permanent change, the pain is not permanent.

And no, I don't intend to model myself on Dickens' Miss Havisham. I'm not going to lock myself away.  When I'm ready, I'll get out there and start looking again.

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