|Lupus Bites: And it costs more than physical health.|
But with them gone so much, even such a small house gets lonely.
I guess I'm feeling extra-alone at the moment. Someone special to me has told me they have begun a new relationship. I'm honestly very happy for them, and do hope it proves to be everything they are looking for. But this person also said: "I hope you find what you're looking for."
That's what got to me. I kind of stopped looking.
When even walking is painful and all I want to do is lie in bed all day, how do I find the energy to be looking for anything? How do I look for a relationship, when at the moment I feel that I am so sick that I have nothing of value to offer - but only a very great need? When I have trouble simply doing my own dishes, or doing my washing, how can I invest time and energy in dating? (Time, I have. Energy, I don't.)
So now I'm lying on the couch, reflecting on all that lupus has taken away from me:
- sport (I used to do martial arts, believe it or not, now hydrotherapy exhausts me),
- my full-time ministry (I'm now only very part-time and often don't feel I fulfil that at all well)
- the ability to plan ahead (because now I don't know ahead of time if I'll be well enough for what I plan)
- independence (there's so much I have to ask for help with, that I used to do for myself)
- financial security (that left with full-time work)
- gluten (and now often meat - because even the thought of meat makes me nauseas)
- everyday activities (I have to wait for a good day if I need to do shopping)
- confidence (I used to never forget a name or a face or a story - now I can't remember if I took my pills this morning - I'm no longer sure of what I know or remember)
- reliability/responsibility (I used to never miss a deadline, and if I'd committed to doing something it was guaranteed to be done - now everything's conditional on whether I can get out of bed)
- physical strength (I guess that goes with sport - there's so much I used to be able to do that I took for granted - now I need gadgets to help me open jars and changing a tyre's out of the question etc).
I can't blame lupus for taking away the relationship I had. But it is certainly taking away any energy I might have to search for a new one.
There is a very sweet man I talk to on-line daily - but he can't come to Australia to meet me because people over 30 can't get a working holiday visa and he can't afford to come out if he doesn't work. There's no way I can afford to travel overseas. So we will never actually meet.
Dare I hope for anything more? At the moment, no. But perhaps I will not always be this sick. I was comparatively well while I was seeing Mr Wonderful. Maybe one day I will be that well again - and be able to find someone I can share my life with.