Flicking through photos to find something to write about, I saw lots of roads going off into the distance, to be lost at some point where perspective begins.
I thought momentarily that that's kind of what lupus is like - I'm going somewhere - but the end point is hidden in the distance. For the rest of my life I will travel with this disease that is doing so many strange things to my body. I don't know how sick I will get, or whether it will have any major impact on my organs.
Then I saw this bridge - it seems just that bit less stable than a highway going into the mountains or forest or wherever.
I feel insecure on a thin bridge over water. (I'm a bit afraid of heights and I can't swim.) I also feel a bit insecure about lupus. Maybe a big bit. I am always afraid the worst might happen.
I had a bad test at the opthalmologist last week. Where my mind immediately went was to the possibility of neurological disorder. (I have double vision in just one eye - who has double vision in just one eye? Seriously?) The doctor usually says: "That's fine come back in a year and we'll check again". This time he said: "That's concerning, come back as soon as possible to try that again." He's on holiday this coming week, so I'm being retested the week after.
In the meantime, I'm on the slightly unsafe-looking bridge. In theory, it's safe, lots of people have walked over it and made it safely to the other side. But there's a risk. And right now, the risk is at the forefront of my mind.
This post was written as part of NHBPM – 30 health posts in 30 days: http://bit.ly/vU0g9J